Ray's Journal 12/23/2010

12/23/2010

Today, the second viewing of The Chronicles of Narnia: The Voyage of the Dawn Treader, among other things. It was truly fun to see the movie again in 3D! Though I sometimes fail to see the value of seeing movies in the theater as prices have risen steadily, there is no denying I enjoyed being at a movie with a group (some of the Thursday night encounter group went also) and of course being out with V. Coda even made the time special by moving quite a bit as the movie ran.

The rant of the day perhaps was the success of Harry Potter over the success of the Narnia franchise. I mean, Harry Potter has a them park, seven books, and seven movies. Narnia is just as good, has been around longer, and should have the same success. Yet I read (though mostly hear from V) that it is doing poorly in the box office. This makes me worry as I am hoping movie makers pick up the projects of the rest of the C. S. Lewis titles such as “A Horse and His Boy,” “Magician’s Nephew,” and “The Silver Chair.” The Chronicles of Narnia speak about issues highlighted only in the Bible. And the Bible itself is a book that tops the bestsellers list for all time. Why, when such a beloved series as this comes out in movie form, does it do so poorly. I am told many were upset by some “cinematic improvements” to the movie versus the book. Though I can see these as I of course read the books, I cannot help but overlook this as I believe the message is much more important than how close to the book it is.

More talk about my family and the new unit that will be our family. Realized that V is right, the moment Victoria and I produced a child, she became a part of the family. I am her family and she is my family. My parents and Janet seem bent on keeping our families separate and not accepting the fact that Victoria’s family is my picture and my family is her family. We do not get to choose our family in this world. Though in this divorce I left Janet, she will always be a part of my family and be linked to me through the girls. As Victoria and I have produced a child, she and I will always be linked. Pieces of paper and legal documents aside, Victoria is my family now. The boys are my sons, my daughters are my daughters, and coda is my son.

Wondering how Janet will react to becoming Coda’s godparent. I fear that she will see this as asking her to accept the affair as a good and right thing. This is not what we are asking. We are asking that she recognize Coda as not burdened by this and as a separate creation. A creation of love. We ask her to be involved in this child’s life and recognize her as the mother of my daughters Isabelle and Katie. She is a figure who is worthy of asking this honor. I do not hate my ex-wife.

Bad times in our lives caused me to feel disconnected form her. I was deeply depressed from a lack of work and an inability to find new work. I felt disconnected from Janet as she was often gone at work and even on the weekends, times I wanted to go out with our mutual friends, she would be unable to go as she felt the need to work and provide. Though I am grateful for her provision during that time, I would have valued her going to one night of Karaoke over a million nights of work. Yes, we had a lot of debt to pay, but we missed opportunities to go to concerts, city events like the Big Fresno Fair, and cheap local concerts all because she felt that she alone had to hold up Family Christian Stores. At least this was my perception…Does she know this? Maybe…of course she blames me for all the debts.

Ray's Journal 12/22/2010

12/22/2010

Went shopping for Christmas presents today. The fact that we were able to buy what we did is a miracle in itself. My last unemployment claim had ended on 10/31 and the Department of Employment had continued to send me claim forms. A letter indicated that I “may” be eligible to begin a new claim, but said nothing about me actually needing to call and start one. This put a delay on things as I didn't call until well into the first week of December.

However, the money came yesterday and thankfully the worker was able to process the claim forms that I had turned in. So, in a moment that could be described as our own “Christmas Miracle,” I received over $500 in unemployment benefits.

It wasn't as if the boys and the girls wouldn't have received any gifts this year. The boys birth father and his parents had after all sent two gift cards with a combined total of $100. Vika had also managed to pawn some jewelry, and my grandparents had given me a $50 check in a Christmas card. Of course most of the $50 went to pay the main December bills (PG&E, Internet, and Netflix).

I had a new found confidence today. I actually felt the nerve to make phone calls and ask for information. I have never been completely comfortable with having to make phone calls and express a need for help, particularly concerning financial matters. My provider personality and personal pride always complain if I am forced to admit that our financial situation is precarious at best. This included accepting the mystery “Unknown” phone call always made to my cell phone several times a day. Of course this was the student accounts office asking if I was ready to make arrangements to pay the $400+ I somehow owe for a previous semester. I believe my confidence is a direct result of the relationship I have with Vika. She accepts me and all my faults, and I can communicate with her on all levels. I don't have to be embarrassed to share my feelings with her and even reveal what before now would have been labeled by others as a “dark” or “unmentionable” side.

I am a sex addict. The physical act of sex is crucial and is directly connected to my happiness and satisfaction with life. Vika is as well. Because we share this, meeting this need for each other is easy. Though I believe our actual love languages may differ (I believe it would be wise for us to read the book again together and to assess our love languages and talk about how we can act to communicate to each other in them).

THINGS TO DO:

1) Obtain the book, The Five Love Languages. Begin reading it nightly with Vika in order to establish our languages, add any personal observations, and begin planning ahead on how to alter our daily behaviors. I have reserved a copy and have asked to be notified by phone.

My parents did an unexpected thing today. It seems that after reading a Facebook post I made stating my concern that I would not be able to provide gifts for my Vika, the girls, or the boys, my grandparents went to the store and bought the boys what they call a “Santa Present.” A wooden train set, consistent with the kind we have had in our family for years and handed down from me to my cousins. I can't help but question their motivation. Their actions state that they have little love for Vika herself and are disappointed in me for my methods and the act of divorcing Janet and leaving the “burden of the girls and Janet” on them. Yet, then they buy a Christmas gift solely for the boys (on top of the gifts they already purchased for them and sent with the aforementioned $50 and a box of SEES candy). I cannot help but allow the hope to form that one day my grandparents will take on the role of great-grandparents to my step-sons and our newest addition little Coda Ray Nicholas Cooper (Due April 11, 2011).

THINGS TO DO:

2) Go on the computer sometime tomorrow and pay those January bills with amounts that have already been revealed and will stay constant. Move amounts into savings for the bills that appear later in the month so that the money will not be touched by accident.

3) Go grocery shopping and pick up a book of stamps. Mail next unemployment claim so that I will receive the rest of December's money, and be able to pay Janet the next installment of child support. Consider calling the Employment Department with the purpose of notifying them of the paperwork I sent and asking if that will increase or make any change to the amount of money I will receive.

The purpose of this journal is to assist me in venting my emotions and to gather my thoughts. I find that because I am often overcome by my own emotions in the moment, I often forget things easily. I have trouble maintaining my concentration at times when I am troubled by other matters. Though I oftentimes deal best with my emotions by talking them out (even though what I say may not make any sense) I can also deal by writing my feelings down and allowing my thoughts to collect in a seamless pattern. Even now, I write continuously not over thinking or planning ahead. I believe this will bring what it is most important in the course of a day to the forefront of my mind.

Our unborn son Coda Ray Nicholas Cooper (name pending exact determination of sex, the ultrasounds are not always accurate after all), kicked me today three times! This was the first time I could really feel the kicks in a consistent and definite pattern in one spot. There is not doubt this boy kicked and kicked at the position of my hand. I have never been so excited! I question my excitement and try to recall how I felt at these moments with my ex-wife and in the lives of my daughters. Was I this excited? Though others doubt me, I do not believe my excitement rests solely on the fact that this child is male. I also do not believe my sole reason for leaving my previous marriage rested on the fact that I had daughters and wanted sons. The fact now that I have two daughters, two step-sons, and son to come is amazing to me. I feel overwhelmed on one hand and strangely at peace on the other.

Great news considering my relationship with the boys today. When Rhythm was presented with the idea of me as his step-father by his mother (though he has been told before) the response had an almost awe to it, “We've never had a step-father before.” The tone suggested this was something that was okay. Perhaps even good. My heart skipped a beat at his words. Though my relationship with Anthem (Colin) has always been more successful than my relationship with Rhythm, I feel it is only a matter of time. I feel that progress is made daily and now that Vika and I are learning how to better communicate with each other, we are uniting as a disciplinary force and are prepared to face the boys, and perhaps even their grandparents (referring to V's parents).

Afraid that I do not know my own daughters as well as a father should. When confronted with what to get Katie for Christmas today, was unable to access what she enjoys doing. I have been away for 8 months. I know she enjoys having small tea party's and inviting her animals and random family members. Though I have visits with the girls ever Saturday from 12-4. I have yet to attend one of Lady Katherine's affairs. I am ashamed to say that when I have had the privilege of receiving an invitation, I was not of the mind or heart to attend. My selfish self denied her. Am thinking of ways of spending more time with the girls and/or keeping abreast to their interests, likes, dislikes, etc.

I think I will not be a successful Blogger yet. I don't know where to start or where to end. These lines have no order and at least right now, I don't have enough time to order them or consider more. As it is already 3:30am, it is past time to quit for today. However, I hope I will successfully establish this habit and use this medium in order to better communicate my thoughts and feelings. For now, enough....

Sexual Insecurity

(Young followers beware, may not be appropriate for younger audience).



Scared to death of becoming a bore sexually. I have never thought myself the dynamo in the bedroom as it is. However, someone always seems to tell me I'm fine. Of course I've always had a lack of confidence in myself...why? Well, I have always blamed my grandmother for her constant negativity. Perhaps she would call it realism...but what would you think if you said to someone for example..."I want to perform on the stage and sing for the world," and this person said, "Oh, you won't make any money. Artists never make any money." I call that negativity. It may become realism, but why stifle dreams? Moving on...

Why is it so awkward to talk about the act of sex? Why can't we openly say, "I really like it when you..." or "I wish you would..(insert action here). Or perhaps its only me that feels I can't say these things without hurting the other person. So, what do I want....?

I would like to be surprised. I would like to be sitting on the bed watching a movie and suddenly be interrupted by a long romantic kiss. I would like to be jumped on rather than be the one doing the jumping. Now it sounds like I'm complaining.......

Think I'll quit for now.

My Feelings

Friday, May 28, 2010
Clovis, Ca, USA

A feeling is neither right or wrong, it simply is. I say this because I am about to unload mine unto this forum, and it is my concern that these feelings will be thought of as a form of attack or demand. It is my wish only to record them on a forum where they will remain, no longer swimming around my head. And so perhaps I should rename the title of this particular blog post and name it after the large bowl that collects thoughts and memories in the famous Harry Potter series.

I do not own her....even if we should marry, even then I do not own her. While she would be mine and I hers it is not my wish to close her off from the world and keep her in a tower where I only have access. However...how am I to feel?

I have an ex-girlfriend by the name of Renee. We dated in high school, and have reconnected on Facebook, Yahoo Messenger, and Text Messages. Though we split on fairly good terms, she has the potential to be a sort of love lost. She is dating now, but I have not kept much contact with her as I would rather not revisit old feelings. To this day she still has not told me why she broke up with me and returned my class ring. Even when I ask her now she seems to avoid the question. But this is not why I wish to unload my feelings now.

I wonder...if I were to reconnect with her and we were to text message on a daily basis, would you be concerned? If she called me every so often would this have no effect on you because you trust me completely? Even if I was to talk to her daily, I would feel comfortable and would naturally bring up parts of our conversation that matched with topics we were speaking about. When asked about my day, I would tell you that I spent a part of it speaking with her.

As I have said previously, I trust you, but I do not trust him. Of particular concern for me is how he is somewhat closed to me. I feel in some part that if he has something to say to you, he should feel comfortable to say it in front of me or within my potential to read. Do I mean to say that I should have full access to all your conversations and I need to read every one? No. Do I fear even now that he is attempting to take you from me? No, not really. Nor do I think he could.

But even now you admit to me your feelings for him are strong. Perhaps insecurities are part of the territory when you, yourself, left someone while they were completely unaware of the relationship that was being built behind their back. You admit to me that your love for me is not as deep as that I hold for you. I cannot help but fear that one day I shall have, in one way or another, my heart completely broken. At the same time, without this fear and vulnerability, I could not love you as deeply as I do. For without the possibility of hurt, there is no love. I have opened my heart completely to you and have allowed you full access.

Now I feel the need to dump open myself. Silly Ray, you are needy and insecure. You cannot simply be happy with the love you have been shown and give her time to resolve feelings with him on her terms and in her time. She has been honest with you at every turn and you have no right nor cause to doubt her. Clearly, if you continue along the course of your doubts you will upset, anger, and push her away from you and then will in a sense cause what you so desperately fear.........you will be alone.

May 9, 2010 - 10:17 PM - Clovis, CA, USA, Earth...etc.

I sometimes feel perpetually behind...or at least that I am always forgetting something important. Of course, then I just look at Victoria and all my fears and insecurities vanish. Am I blind or do I believe myself immune..no..I suppose not. But somehow she reminds me that my strength comes from God and in Him I need not fear. For as He loves and provides for the birds of the air, so he will provide for me and mine.

How can those that oppose us (Victoria and I) still believe that God does not have a hand even in this? Things continue to fall into place. The way is not by any means free from the occasional pothole or stone in the road, but no life is. God is faithful even to those that stray for a time. "For a time, he says," some would argue. "You have strayed and continue to stray even now." I cannot agree.

It seems my current job is bent on forcing me to work on Sunday, while I have always held that Sunday is a day of rest and should be kept. Yet, my compassion and responsibility for my co-workers is strong. Now that I have learned that time sheets for the previous time period need to be completed by Sunday night and not Monday afternoon as was previously mentioned....I fear for the first time I have made a mistake that may adversely affect my co-workers. Still...to make mistakes is human, we learn from them and attempt not to repeat them.

Enough for now.....

Day 1- Saturday May 8th, 2010

How to Blog... I suppose you just write what comes directly to mind. Better not to edit before you start, after all, then you never "start."

Last night it was if a great internal sigh flooded my body with peace and love. Things slowed down! I did not feel the urgency to run around the city like a chicken with my head cut off, arranging things to perfect my new life.

It is difficult to proceed each day if I dare to look too far ahead into the future. Reminders are needed on a consistant basis that God is in control and He is all powerful. I awake each morning with excited anticipation...or is that nervous energy? Why nervous? Why anxious? Some who love, or claim such, would say this is a sign that I am living outside of God's will and protection. I however see it as fear I create and cling to though it does me great harm.

Of course all I need do is look into the eyes of my love and my fears melt away. How can three weeks seem to be so much more? Is it possible to be truly comfortable with someone to this degree after so short a stint? My heart says yes, my mind still doubts, but every moment seems to confirm and refresh peace.

Time for breakfast....(?to be continued?)