My Feelings

Friday, May 28, 2010
Clovis, Ca, USA

A feeling is neither right or wrong, it simply is. I say this because I am about to unload mine unto this forum, and it is my concern that these feelings will be thought of as a form of attack or demand. It is my wish only to record them on a forum where they will remain, no longer swimming around my head. And so perhaps I should rename the title of this particular blog post and name it after the large bowl that collects thoughts and memories in the famous Harry Potter series.

I do not own her....even if we should marry, even then I do not own her. While she would be mine and I hers it is not my wish to close her off from the world and keep her in a tower where I only have access. However...how am I to feel?

I have an ex-girlfriend by the name of Renee. We dated in high school, and have reconnected on Facebook, Yahoo Messenger, and Text Messages. Though we split on fairly good terms, she has the potential to be a sort of love lost. She is dating now, but I have not kept much contact with her as I would rather not revisit old feelings. To this day she still has not told me why she broke up with me and returned my class ring. Even when I ask her now she seems to avoid the question. But this is not why I wish to unload my feelings now.

I wonder...if I were to reconnect with her and we were to text message on a daily basis, would you be concerned? If she called me every so often would this have no effect on you because you trust me completely? Even if I was to talk to her daily, I would feel comfortable and would naturally bring up parts of our conversation that matched with topics we were speaking about. When asked about my day, I would tell you that I spent a part of it speaking with her.

As I have said previously, I trust you, but I do not trust him. Of particular concern for me is how he is somewhat closed to me. I feel in some part that if he has something to say to you, he should feel comfortable to say it in front of me or within my potential to read. Do I mean to say that I should have full access to all your conversations and I need to read every one? No. Do I fear even now that he is attempting to take you from me? No, not really. Nor do I think he could.

But even now you admit to me your feelings for him are strong. Perhaps insecurities are part of the territory when you, yourself, left someone while they were completely unaware of the relationship that was being built behind their back. You admit to me that your love for me is not as deep as that I hold for you. I cannot help but fear that one day I shall have, in one way or another, my heart completely broken. At the same time, without this fear and vulnerability, I could not love you as deeply as I do. For without the possibility of hurt, there is no love. I have opened my heart completely to you and have allowed you full access.

Now I feel the need to dump open myself. Silly Ray, you are needy and insecure. You cannot simply be happy with the love you have been shown and give her time to resolve feelings with him on her terms and in her time. She has been honest with you at every turn and you have no right nor cause to doubt her. Clearly, if you continue along the course of your doubts you will upset, anger, and push her away from you and then will in a sense cause what you so desperately fear.........you will be alone.

May 9, 2010 - 10:17 PM - Clovis, CA, USA, Earth...etc.

I sometimes feel perpetually behind...or at least that I am always forgetting something important. Of course, then I just look at Victoria and all my fears and insecurities vanish. Am I blind or do I believe myself immune..no..I suppose not. But somehow she reminds me that my strength comes from God and in Him I need not fear. For as He loves and provides for the birds of the air, so he will provide for me and mine.

How can those that oppose us (Victoria and I) still believe that God does not have a hand even in this? Things continue to fall into place. The way is not by any means free from the occasional pothole or stone in the road, but no life is. God is faithful even to those that stray for a time. "For a time, he says," some would argue. "You have strayed and continue to stray even now." I cannot agree.

It seems my current job is bent on forcing me to work on Sunday, while I have always held that Sunday is a day of rest and should be kept. Yet, my compassion and responsibility for my co-workers is strong. Now that I have learned that time sheets for the previous time period need to be completed by Sunday night and not Monday afternoon as was previously mentioned....I fear for the first time I have made a mistake that may adversely affect my co-workers. Still...to make mistakes is human, we learn from them and attempt not to repeat them.

Enough for now.....

Day 1- Saturday May 8th, 2010

How to Blog... I suppose you just write what comes directly to mind. Better not to edit before you start, after all, then you never "start."

Last night it was if a great internal sigh flooded my body with peace and love. Things slowed down! I did not feel the urgency to run around the city like a chicken with my head cut off, arranging things to perfect my new life.

It is difficult to proceed each day if I dare to look too far ahead into the future. Reminders are needed on a consistant basis that God is in control and He is all powerful. I awake each morning with excited anticipation...or is that nervous energy? Why nervous? Why anxious? Some who love, or claim such, would say this is a sign that I am living outside of God's will and protection. I however see it as fear I create and cling to though it does me great harm.

Of course all I need do is look into the eyes of my love and my fears melt away. How can three weeks seem to be so much more? Is it possible to be truly comfortable with someone to this degree after so short a stint? My heart says yes, my mind still doubts, but every moment seems to confirm and refresh peace.

Time for breakfast....(?to be continued?)